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Monday, November 26, 2012

I Dodged a Bullet I Fired at Myself

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.  Fresh from our victory murdering Santa Claus in front of our 10 year old, and then essentially butchering him Buffalo Bill style and parading around in front of her in a suit of his skin (fine, we came clean about Santa, and explained that WE are Santa, essentially, but it loses a vital element of brutality if you say it that way), I decided, without really deciding, that I was going to explain how babies are made sort of against my own will.  I know that makes no sense.

I was doing dishes in the kitchen while Emma was finishing her supper and Lily played in the family room.  Emma was disagreeing with me about something I was saying.  I can't even remember what, but I decided to play dramatic.

"Oh fine...don't agree with me.  ME!  Your father, your own flesh and blood."
"Well..."
"Well what?
"Well why shouldn't I disagree?"
"Because I own you!  I created you!"

It was here, right at this spot, where something inside my own brain detached and inaudibly joined the conversation .  I'll bold my brain's comments.  Returning you now to the last thing...

"Because I own you!  I created you!"
Really Jim?  You're really going to bring up creating her?  HOW'D you create me dad?  Want to talk about that?  Is this conversation going according to some plan?
I'll fix it, I thought, "Well, not REALLY created you.  I mean, I had a hand in it.  Well...not a hand.  Look, I just mean, I only partly created you."
Please...Please just stop talking now.
"Yeah," she replied, "only partly, like maybe 25%."
Okay...good.  She's closed that chapter.
"25%?  How'd you come up with 25%?  Two people, one half, what's the percentage?"
Oh my god SHUT UP!!!  What the hell???

The conversation more or less died then, with the subjects of "How EXACTLY do you calculate the percentage of creation" and "What are the mechanics of said creation between a mommy and a daddy" somehow...miraculously...unasked.  But not for lack of trying on my part.



40 comments:

  1. Jim, you make me smile.

    Also, my brain does these things all the time. ALL THE TIME. I'll start blabbering about something and then I'm all SHUT IT SHUT IT SHUT IT but it's too late. There's a point of no return. I often pass that. And keeeeep on a'goin'.

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    1. I usually can let that stuff go, but grammar errors...math errors...I must correct. So really if you ever want to continue a conversation with me you just have to say something blatantly wrong and I'll continue it long enough to correct it.

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  2. "Please...Please just stop talking now." If I had a nickel for every time I thought that about myself.....

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    1. Most of the time it's wayyyyy later. It usually takes me much longer to realize I'm being a complete idiot.

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  3. Hoo boy. Strap on your seatbelt, Jim, you're in for a bumpy ride.

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    1. Well...yeah...I didn't want to have to talk to her about THAT part of the process. But thanks, Bec.

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  4. Too funny! Yup. Gotta be quick on u r feet and think before the flood gates open! Girls! Boys usually r too busy with playing video games5o even listen!

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    1. I wish for more video games then...

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  5. I meant to even listen! My son is ten and Autistic.

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    1. I knew...I knew what you meant all along.

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  6. Haaaahahahaha! I love a good laugh first thing in the morning.

    So...how'd you break the No Santa news? Did you just come right out and say, "There's no Santa. The end." We reeeeally need to do this with our almost-12-year-old. I'm pretty sure she's just playing along, but...

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    1. I'll post it. You know...as a learning tool for other parents.

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  7. Thank God for your blog...that's the only way I know what's going on in my family!!! Nice work!!

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    1. I know! I'm so glad we had this talk.

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  8. Same happened here- apparently I live in a house of cards. When the Santa gig was up one of mine said, "What about the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny? What ELSE aren't you telling us?!"

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    1. The tooth fairy fell a year or two ago. The Easter Bunny you'd think would have fallen LONG ago, but she checked a book out in 2nd grade from the school library. It was about the Easter Bunny and it was in the non-fiction section and THAT meant it was the gospel. She told us once that the one thing she KNEW was that the Easter Bunny was real. She cited that book.

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  9. Well Jim, you're quite good at juggling and dodging bullets. I'm glad my son is only 8, so I can hopefully save the birds and bees talk for a few more years.

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    1. She's had a very general broadbrush of the whole thing. But still, I wasn't ready to get into the nitty gritty.

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  10. My son is 6 and one day while taking a bath and, you know, playing with his sticks and stones, he asked the soft squishy things were by his peepee. I told him they were testicles and then he asked "What's it for?". I literally went "um, um, (oh shit - in my head). And then I had a brilliant light bulb moment.... "Oh daddy, can you come here. Andrew has a question for you!". Needless to say, my husband also did the "um, well, um.." My son lost interest and I felt so much relief.

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    1. *facepalm* you threw DADDY under the bus???

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  11. Boy, you have left that conversation late. By the time you get around to it she'll have found out from someone else. My ten year old asked what anal sex is. Try dodging that bullet!

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  12. HA!

    I'd say she knows more than she's letting on with that 25% quip.

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  13. At first I thought the funniest thing about this post was "I had a hand in it." Until I read Leslie's comment ...

    This conversation is much easier and quicker with boys. As soon as you say anything that rhymes remotely with "moob" or "kagina" they start making this horrible gagging sound. If you hang on until about 5th or 6th grade, school will take care of it for you. How do I know?

    Well, one afternoon, I picked up my then-5th-grader and two of his friends after school. Stone silence in the car.

    Me: So guys, what's up?
    Nate: We watched a movie today.
    Me: Really? That sounds fun.
    Nate: No. No it wasn't. The girls went in one room, and the boys went in the other
    Me: (light bulb flickering on) Oh. Well, you kinda knew that stuff already right?
    Nate: No. No, I didn't. And, I didn't really want to.

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  14. I am no stranger to the I'm talking and I can't shut up!!

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  15. 10 years old. Hmmm....I hate to break the news to you, but I bet your daughter has already heard how babies are made from one of her school friends. She may have also been trying to avoid the conversation.

    One of my closest friends believed in Santa until she was 15. She came in the house from basketball practice, carrying her new gym bag from Santa, when her sister's boyfriend said, "Hey, I was with your mom bought that bag." Her reply? "But Santa gave this to me..."
    I guess if Heidi made it to 15 without hearing the truth about Santa, maybe your daughter's school friends haven't given her the talk. You may be safe, but not for long.

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    1. Well, that's not REALLY breaking news. She went to a mother/daughter..."So You're Becoming A Woman Now" sort of thing. And I'm SURE she knows some stuff, because *I* knew some stuff, and that was before the internet...

      And Santa is dead. Stone dead. We murdered him in front of her eyes.

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    2. I agree with Erica. Your daughter totally knows. Just like my nine year old son totally knows. And told us that he's not comfortable talking about S-E-X with his parents right yet.

      And this is how I know I've succeeded as a parent...

      Also, at least she's not all into Santa's ghost, like Ant was this time last year... I wrote a post on that one: http://casafrigerio.blogspot.com/2011/12/in-which-ant-learns-more-about-santa-et.html

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    3. I agree with you both. mostly. I'll go read that.

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  16. Bahaha! You are so lucky you got out of that one. Unless, maybe she already knows about the percentage of creation and didn't want to discuss it with her dad because ew!

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  17. Wait! What? What do you mean you murdered Santa?! Santa still comes to my house...

    As far as the foot in mouth? Uh, yeah. I may have done that one time, maybe. And Emma? I'm thinkin' she cut you some slack. She could've had a lot of fun asking you some more questions and watching you squirm. She's probably saving that one up for later... ;)

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  18. Made me think of you: http://xkcd.com/1141/

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    1. I've never even heard of that site, but you're the second person to send me that link! It's very cool. Thank you!

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    2. Really? It's nerd cartoon heaven.

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    3. and I'm a nerd! And I love cartoons! God I'm a failure at this!

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